A Bad Habit of Mine

1:45 AM

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People don't joke around when they said that high school might make or break you.
For me — or at least mentally — it did the latter.

Three years of wearing the white-grey combo uniform everyday for five days in a week wasn't exactly the most pleasant experience I've ever experienced in my life, to be honest. In fact, it was one of the worst. Trying not to get too much into detail to keep it short and to avoid TMI, let's just say, my high school life sucked. Bad.

Real bad, actually.

Three whole years played a pretty big part of my life, considering I've only been living for nineteen years. I think it contributed majorly to my current fucked up mental health state, though I constantly try to let in more positivities in my life (and I can proudly say that my boyfriend helps me a lot).

Combine those hard times with my already low self-esteem and crippling mental health, you'd get a scary mind that screams all sorts of thoughts. And you have to deal with it in daily basis. Most of the times it comes oh-so-suddenly, you almost have no chance to prevent it from emerging.
Sounds like fun, eh?

Well, let me just break it to you.

I tend to dwell in my own self-deprecating thoughts. Frankly, it's exhausting. I have to cope with it all my life. My mind makes the problems around me bigger than they really are. It keeps planting these bad ideas inside of me, trying to convince them that it's right. When other party is involved, I always find myself comparing my self-worth with the others. And it always ends up with me crumbling apart because I constantly feel that I'm a no-good and I ain't shit compared to the others.

The most frequent thought that passes through my head?
She's so much prettier than me.
It's true.

I remember how my friends (usually girls) told me that they envy my confidence and how I could be comfortable with my own skin. They keep saying that I'm good at accentuating my admirable features (like my long and slender legs), making them the center of the attention.

They don't know that it took a long, long way.

Dealing with self-hate is a hard work. To make it disappear completely is also almost impossible (seeing how I still have some leftovers of it, even until now). It might even stick with me for life.

But I'll try harder to slowly reducing my negative thoughts, which is the base of all my self-image issues. Bit by bit. I got a boyfriend who continuously reminds me that I worth more than I've ever thought.

Ya girl gon ace this.

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